This past summer, there was a song, "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke. This song, besides being musically interesting and fun, had lyrics that caused a lot of controversy:
If you can't hear what I'm trying to say
If you can't read from the same page
Maybe I'm going deaf,
Maybe I'm going blind
Maybe I'm out of my mind
Everybody get up
OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it X3
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it X3
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me
Everybody get up
What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on
What do we need steam for
You the hottest bitch in this place
I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, hey
You wanna hug me
Hey, hey, hey
What rhymes with hug me?
Hey, hey, hey
...
Shake the vibe, get down, get up
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?
Baby can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica
It always works for me, Dakota to Decatur, uh huh
No more pretending
Hey, hey, hey
Cause now you winning
Hey, hey, hey
Here's our beginning
The important lyrics are highlighted.
Let's start with what I think he intended to do with this song. I think he intended to write a song about a woman who is wilder than she knows and he wants to "liberate" her: "OK, now he... tried to domesticate you, But you're an animal. Baby it's in your nature... ". He wants to have sex with her. BUT he's not sure how she feels. She's giving him "blurred lines". In the end, though, she realized that he was right and they presumably have sex. The promiscuity aside, this doesn't seem to be a threatening song.
Looking closer at the actual wording of these things, though, there is definitely something there.
For instance, the lyrics "May be I'm going deaf. May be I'm going blind. May be I'm out of my mind... I hate these blurred lines... The way you grab me, must wanna get nasty..." suggest that this woman is acting suggestively, but she's saying she doesn't want to "get nasty". He thinks she's sending mixed signals, and meh... that's not to bad. It's up for discussion as to whether or not that alone is sexist. Possibly.
It could be said that men have expectations of any woman who acts suggestively and that this is a bad thing. May be she was just having fun dancing. It can also be said that women shouldn't act suggestively if they don't want men to expect things. She can dance and have fun without "grabbing" some guy that she doesn't want to have sex with. I have no strong opinion either way.
Going further into the song, though there are some seriously dangerous words, "I know you want it, but you're a good girl". Then circling back to "The way you grab me, must wanna get nasty..." shows A LOT about the way people think in terms or consent.
Recently, the phrase "rape culture" has come to prominence. Basically, this refers to the way that consent is thought to be "implied" or "negotiable". Someone can say "no", but you can coerce, convince, intimidate, wear down, etc.. until that person consents. OR the person has consented by not saying "no" outright. 27, "no's" and a, "yes" is still a yes...
This.Is.Wrong.
Regardless of situation, if a person has not said that they want to or initiated the act themselves, don't assume. This can lead to rape. Not aggravated or violent rape, but making a person feel that they HAVE to have sex even if they don't want to. This is tricky and has led to many news-making stories lately of young men who assumed that a woman wanted to have sex, but was too incoherent/drunk/pressured to actually give consent.
Don't be like Robin Thicke. Don't make sex mandatory.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Masculine v. Feminine at work
I have many jobs, and in one of them, I do a lot of physical labor. Not an extreme amount, but so much so that a person in poor physical shape would have difficulty doing the things I do. Things like carrying/climbing a 7' ladder around a pretty large area, using carpentry tools like a level; hammer; nails; staple gun; etc..., and heavy lifting. They're not particularly difficult, but a lot of these things are not often done by women.
Once, while I was hammering a nail into some drywall to hang a large-ish metal frame, a man sees me. He decides that it would be a good idea to engage me in chat. So, he says, hillariously, "Don't they have enough men to do that?"
LOL
I politely said, "Oh, I'm perfectly capable of doing it, thanks." trying as hard as I could to be cheerful and not derisive...
There are many women who have my position throughout the company I work for, but I suspect that many of them get men to do the more "masculine" aspects of the job, like using power tools.
This man, though, didn't say that it was unusual for a woman to be doing this, or that he was impressed that I was ACTUALLY doing it. Those things would be offensive, too, but more passable.
No, this man said "Aren't the any men to do that?" implying that the only possible reason I could be using manly things is that there are no men available. I couldn't contain my rage after the man had left, and vented to some of my co-workers, but they didn't seem to think he was that out of line- I work with mostly married, middle-aged women (to give some perspective).
On an at least weekly basis, I am told by the other women I work with that they would never be caught dead doing all of the physical labor I do. They call me a "beast" (which I kind of like). They even sometimes suggest I have the only other man who works at the company to do some of these things for me instead. When this guy says he doesn't feel comfortable on a ladder, though, he is put-down and told that he needs to "man up".
DAMN IT!
I cannot express the level of frustration and anger I feel when I hear this bullshit. Why the fuck am I not good enough to stand on a God dammned ladder, or lift an 80 lb box of whatever? I am a relatively small woman, and I know that generally speaking women are not as physically strong as men. That's biology. I am pretty jacked, though. I would put myself in a league with any average man. So, why do people assume I can't do the things required by my job unless they've seen me do it before? At first glance, I would expect most people to size me up as a short, but sturdy woman. I guess it's either that I'm short, or a woman...
It's even worse for me because I don't dress like a "manly/butch" woman. I like to fix my hair and wear make-up. I enjoy nice clothes and looking "feminine". I'm sure that if I wore slouchy, "masculine" clothes, people would be more readily accepting of me as a physical force. I don't wear clothing that is inappropriate for the jobs I do, but they look nice. I'll wear some non-hazardous jewelry, or a belt around my waist. May be my hair will be down and curled. I accessorize. I'm not wearing a skirt and high heels on the ladder- so why is it sooooo surprising that I can hammer a nail while wearing an attractive shirt?
I know people think they're being supportive by pointing out that I do well with power tools, but it also implies that I shouldn't "normally" be able to use them.
This concept is also apparent in the recent well-meaning True Car commercial.
This service should be for anyone who just doesn't know much about cars. I hate that is focuses on women. In the comments for this, one man countered with the anecdote that he feels nervous about buying a purse because the one time he tried, he returned it the next day and took his mom to help him try again (I'm guessing this was for a gift, not for personal use). This isn't really the same, though, because he's admitting that he doesn't know anything about purses. Yes, most Men don't because they don't generally use them. I wouldn't know the first thing about buying a jock strap, so a service designed to help women purchase those (for whatever reason) could use a commercial aimed at women. There is NO WAY a woman can know about jock straps unless she's studied them. Cars, though, are different. If you've driven a car your whole adult life, and have paid attention to mechanics on things like oil changes or just any time you need a repair, you can conceivably understand enough to get by. Male or female.
People, just stop boiling it all down to gender (though I can't deny that there are trends and generalities that exist), and start judging people on an individual basis.
Once, while I was hammering a nail into some drywall to hang a large-ish metal frame, a man sees me. He decides that it would be a good idea to engage me in chat. So, he says, hillariously, "Don't they have enough men to do that?"
LOL
I politely said, "Oh, I'm perfectly capable of doing it, thanks." trying as hard as I could to be cheerful and not derisive...
There are many women who have my position throughout the company I work for, but I suspect that many of them get men to do the more "masculine" aspects of the job, like using power tools.
This man, though, didn't say that it was unusual for a woman to be doing this, or that he was impressed that I was ACTUALLY doing it. Those things would be offensive, too, but more passable.
No, this man said "Aren't the any men to do that?" implying that the only possible reason I could be using manly things is that there are no men available. I couldn't contain my rage after the man had left, and vented to some of my co-workers, but they didn't seem to think he was that out of line- I work with mostly married, middle-aged women (to give some perspective).
On an at least weekly basis, I am told by the other women I work with that they would never be caught dead doing all of the physical labor I do. They call me a "beast" (which I kind of like). They even sometimes suggest I have the only other man who works at the company to do some of these things for me instead. When this guy says he doesn't feel comfortable on a ladder, though, he is put-down and told that he needs to "man up".
DAMN IT!
I cannot express the level of frustration and anger I feel when I hear this bullshit. Why the fuck am I not good enough to stand on a God dammned ladder, or lift an 80 lb box of whatever? I am a relatively small woman, and I know that generally speaking women are not as physically strong as men. That's biology. I am pretty jacked, though. I would put myself in a league with any average man. So, why do people assume I can't do the things required by my job unless they've seen me do it before? At first glance, I would expect most people to size me up as a short, but sturdy woman. I guess it's either that I'm short, or a woman...
It's even worse for me because I don't dress like a "manly/butch" woman. I like to fix my hair and wear make-up. I enjoy nice clothes and looking "feminine". I'm sure that if I wore slouchy, "masculine" clothes, people would be more readily accepting of me as a physical force. I don't wear clothing that is inappropriate for the jobs I do, but they look nice. I'll wear some non-hazardous jewelry, or a belt around my waist. May be my hair will be down and curled. I accessorize. I'm not wearing a skirt and high heels on the ladder- so why is it sooooo surprising that I can hammer a nail while wearing an attractive shirt?
I know people think they're being supportive by pointing out that I do well with power tools, but it also implies that I shouldn't "normally" be able to use them.
This concept is also apparent in the recent well-meaning True Car commercial.
This service should be for anyone who just doesn't know much about cars. I hate that is focuses on women. In the comments for this, one man countered with the anecdote that he feels nervous about buying a purse because the one time he tried, he returned it the next day and took his mom to help him try again (I'm guessing this was for a gift, not for personal use). This isn't really the same, though, because he's admitting that he doesn't know anything about purses. Yes, most Men don't because they don't generally use them. I wouldn't know the first thing about buying a jock strap, so a service designed to help women purchase those (for whatever reason) could use a commercial aimed at women. There is NO WAY a woman can know about jock straps unless she's studied them. Cars, though, are different. If you've driven a car your whole adult life, and have paid attention to mechanics on things like oil changes or just any time you need a repair, you can conceivably understand enough to get by. Male or female.
People, just stop boiling it all down to gender (though I can't deny that there are trends and generalities that exist), and start judging people on an individual basis.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Sex
Yesterday, I posted my thoughts on nudity, and I said that sex should be a big deal. I stand by it. Today, I think I'll continue on the sex vein.
The sexual revolution of the 20th Century did a lot of good things:
It ended the taboo of talking about sex. It created a culture that appreciated sex as fun and good, rather than shameful. Women in particular gained sexual rights that had been denied them in the past. They could then consent to sex and not be seen as a slut. Women could obtain birth control. Rape started to be taken seriously, and not just be something that was swept under the rug.
Lots of good things happened.
Unfortunately, it also paved the way for a culture that depreciates sex as "just for fun".
Chemically speaking, there are hormones released during sex- dopamine and especially oxytocin- that are associated with emotional bonding. We are built to bond to our sexual partners, and when you "hit it and quit it", you are confusing your brain. Your body wants to remain joined to this person- even if the bond isn't life-long. Not only are we designed to bond with our mates, our well-being is boosted when we do. Check out this article: Sex in the Brain (The last few paragraphs are really the ones that are applicable to this post).
In addition to all of that, sex is just great when you have a commitment to your partner. I've only had one sexual partner, and we didn't start having sex until 7 months into our relationship. I needed to be sure that I was ready to deal with all of the consequences of a sexual relationship: physical and emotional. I needed to be sure I could deal with it if I got pregnant, or we broke up, or it turned out that he had lied about being a virgin and I got a disease. I had to be totally ready, and I 'm so glad that I was ready.
As lame as it sounds, it was, and has continued to be beautiful. After 7 years, it's still great, and I know a big part of this is that we waited to have a sexual relationship until we were totally committed and ready. We had lots of build-up and completely trusted each other.
That's why I'm so disappointed when people talk about having one-night-stands or just sleeping with someone rather than having a relationship. They're really selling themselves short.
Sure, women (and men) are totally free to be sexual beings. They can flirt, and dance, and date around. It isn't a good idea to sleep with people shortly after you meet them, though. Not only for the reasons listed above, but also because it can be dangerous. Sex can have some SERIOUS consequences, so doing it should be taken SERIOUSLY!
I just don't get how people rationalize sex as "just sex", when all evidence points the opposite way. Sure, you can take steps to keep yourself relatively safe, but those things don't always work, and there are lots of things you can't protect yourself from unless you're in a committed relationship. There are things that can be "just for fun", but sex shouldn't be one of them.
The sexual revolution of the 20th Century did a lot of good things:
It ended the taboo of talking about sex. It created a culture that appreciated sex as fun and good, rather than shameful. Women in particular gained sexual rights that had been denied them in the past. They could then consent to sex and not be seen as a slut. Women could obtain birth control. Rape started to be taken seriously, and not just be something that was swept under the rug.
Lots of good things happened.
Unfortunately, it also paved the way for a culture that depreciates sex as "just for fun".
Chemically speaking, there are hormones released during sex- dopamine and especially oxytocin- that are associated with emotional bonding. We are built to bond to our sexual partners, and when you "hit it and quit it", you are confusing your brain. Your body wants to remain joined to this person- even if the bond isn't life-long. Not only are we designed to bond with our mates, our well-being is boosted when we do. Check out this article: Sex in the Brain (The last few paragraphs are really the ones that are applicable to this post).
In addition to all of that, sex is just great when you have a commitment to your partner. I've only had one sexual partner, and we didn't start having sex until 7 months into our relationship. I needed to be sure that I was ready to deal with all of the consequences of a sexual relationship: physical and emotional. I needed to be sure I could deal with it if I got pregnant, or we broke up, or it turned out that he had lied about being a virgin and I got a disease. I had to be totally ready, and I 'm so glad that I was ready.
As lame as it sounds, it was, and has continued to be beautiful. After 7 years, it's still great, and I know a big part of this is that we waited to have a sexual relationship until we were totally committed and ready. We had lots of build-up and completely trusted each other.
That's why I'm so disappointed when people talk about having one-night-stands or just sleeping with someone rather than having a relationship. They're really selling themselves short.
Sure, women (and men) are totally free to be sexual beings. They can flirt, and dance, and date around. It isn't a good idea to sleep with people shortly after you meet them, though. Not only for the reasons listed above, but also because it can be dangerous. Sex can have some SERIOUS consequences, so doing it should be taken SERIOUSLY!
I just don't get how people rationalize sex as "just sex", when all evidence points the opposite way. Sure, you can take steps to keep yourself relatively safe, but those things don't always work, and there are lots of things you can't protect yourself from unless you're in a committed relationship. There are things that can be "just for fun", but sex shouldn't be one of them.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Nudity
I'm on the fence when it comes to whether or not nudity should be censored.
As a generally modest person, you'll probably never see me tanning on a nude beach. Similarly, I won't be wearing revealing/sexy clothes to party. I just personally like the idea that no one but my husband knows what I look like naked. It's pretty cool. That being said, I would consider appearing nude for art/theatre.
For others, though. Should I care?
Let's talk about breastfeeding, and breasts in general.
Should I tell a woman to cover up if she's breastfeeding? Sure, breastfeeding is a natural and good thing, but so it peeing. Closing the door is non-negotiable. Peeing is different, though, because it is actually gross, not just revealing of private parts.
Recently, I read an article that women may now go topless without retribution in New York (city or state, I can't remember), and at first I felt feminist pride when I read it. Men have been able to reveal nipples whenever they want since... forever. Why are female nipples different? Because they are attached to lumps of flesh?
Yes. After more reflection on the article, those lumps of flesh change everything for most people. I think that breasts are fine to look at. Hell, I like looking at them! Aesthetically speaking, breasts are great, but should they be revered and kept secret?
I'm inclined to say yes, they should (other than for artistic purposes or breast-feeding,). If the purpose is to illicit sexual arousal, then that probably shouldn't be public. Likewise, people should close the door when they have sex.
I really believe that sex is another one of those things that should be private, unless it's for a purpose- education, story-telling, art, or pure aesthetics. It's a crying shame that sex isn't as big of a deal as it used to be because once you get to sex in a relationship, that's as far as you can go physically- other than eventually trying the really crazy stuff. If it starts there, then where's the build-up? Where's the emotional intimacy that makes sex SOOOOO good?!?! It should be big deal! So, nudity for sexual purposes should be, too. Otherwise, it's a waste. Keep it covered and keep some mystery. That's way sexier.
As a generally modest person, you'll probably never see me tanning on a nude beach. Similarly, I won't be wearing revealing/sexy clothes to party. I just personally like the idea that no one but my husband knows what I look like naked. It's pretty cool. That being said, I would consider appearing nude for art/theatre.
For others, though. Should I care?
Let's talk about breastfeeding, and breasts in general.
Should I tell a woman to cover up if she's breastfeeding? Sure, breastfeeding is a natural and good thing, but so it peeing. Closing the door is non-negotiable. Peeing is different, though, because it is actually gross, not just revealing of private parts.
Recently, I read an article that women may now go topless without retribution in New York (city or state, I can't remember), and at first I felt feminist pride when I read it. Men have been able to reveal nipples whenever they want since... forever. Why are female nipples different? Because they are attached to lumps of flesh?
Yes. After more reflection on the article, those lumps of flesh change everything for most people. I think that breasts are fine to look at. Hell, I like looking at them! Aesthetically speaking, breasts are great, but should they be revered and kept secret?
I'm inclined to say yes, they should (other than for artistic purposes or breast-feeding,). If the purpose is to illicit sexual arousal, then that probably shouldn't be public. Likewise, people should close the door when they have sex.
I really believe that sex is another one of those things that should be private, unless it's for a purpose- education, story-telling, art, or pure aesthetics. It's a crying shame that sex isn't as big of a deal as it used to be because once you get to sex in a relationship, that's as far as you can go physically- other than eventually trying the really crazy stuff. If it starts there, then where's the build-up? Where's the emotional intimacy that makes sex SOOOOO good?!?! It should be big deal! So, nudity for sexual purposes should be, too. Otherwise, it's a waste. Keep it covered and keep some mystery. That's way sexier.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Government Assistance
This post will be more political and less about feminism.
I know a person who is pregnant, 24, and un-married. She and her boyfriend want to keep the baby, but so far it has been is extremely hard for them. She works 25 - 30 hrs/week, as does he, but it's just not enough. Usually, I'd say, "If you're not making enough at one part-time job, get another!". Myself, I have four-ish (sometimes, only three). However, a pregnant woman should not have two jobs. In my opinion, a woman whose body is going through the extreme upheaval of pregnancy should have the added physical stress of working too much.
So, she applied for government assistance. She was denied because she works more than 20 hrs.
She was denied assistance BECAUSE she works.
...
Another person I know has three children by three different men, hasn't worked in more than a decade, and was recently arrested for some serious stuff... Stuff she'd been doing for years, but didn't get caught until now.
She has never had a problem with getting government assistance. She's had SNAP, WIC, LINK, as well as child support payments to pay almost all of her bills for many, many years.
Why is this system punishing people for actually working but needing a bit more while rewarding others for having lots of kids they can't pay for?
P.S.
As a very healthy woman in her mid-twenties, I cannot get affordable health insurance. If I had a kid, no problem, but as a responsible woman who is waiting until she is financially ready for kids, I can't get health insurance.
I know a person who is pregnant, 24, and un-married. She and her boyfriend want to keep the baby, but so far it has been is extremely hard for them. She works 25 - 30 hrs/week, as does he, but it's just not enough. Usually, I'd say, "If you're not making enough at one part-time job, get another!". Myself, I have four-ish (sometimes, only three). However, a pregnant woman should not have two jobs. In my opinion, a woman whose body is going through the extreme upheaval of pregnancy should have the added physical stress of working too much.
So, she applied for government assistance. She was denied because she works more than 20 hrs.
She was denied assistance BECAUSE she works.
...
Another person I know has three children by three different men, hasn't worked in more than a decade, and was recently arrested for some serious stuff... Stuff she'd been doing for years, but didn't get caught until now.
She has never had a problem with getting government assistance. She's had SNAP, WIC, LINK, as well as child support payments to pay almost all of her bills for many, many years.
Why is this system punishing people for actually working but needing a bit more while rewarding others for having lots of kids they can't pay for?
P.S.
As a very healthy woman in her mid-twenties, I cannot get affordable health insurance. If I had a kid, no problem, but as a responsible woman who is waiting until she is financially ready for kids, I can't get health insurance.
The beginning...
I try to be sophisticated and stylish in the way I dress, wear my hair, the way I act... but I suspect that people see right through it. They see someone who is trying to look sophisticated and stylish. They see an insecure, socially awkward, girl. A girl, not a woman.
This is always the way I see myself, as a girl. I'm not sure why this is, but it's something I can't shake.
Right now, though, I feel like a woman.
In the following pages, I am going to say the things I usually don't. These are the things I usually think, but never voice. Things I'm sure that, if I even said to my friends or family, they'd give sycophantically encouraging and cliche responses.
So, I'm opening myself up to anyone that might stumble upon this blog. May be no one will care, but it'd be nice to have a sort of public diary. I guess we'll see.
This is always the way I see myself, as a girl. I'm not sure why this is, but it's something I can't shake.
Right now, though, I feel like a woman.
In the following pages, I am going to say the things I usually don't. These are the things I usually think, but never voice. Things I'm sure that, if I even said to my friends or family, they'd give sycophantically encouraging and cliche responses.
So, I'm opening myself up to anyone that might stumble upon this blog. May be no one will care, but it'd be nice to have a sort of public diary. I guess we'll see.
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